For the Carers who are also Mothers...

Don't blame me - love made me crazy, if it doesn't you ain't doing it right.

May 03, 2024

Here we go again - as Mothers Day approaches.

What a loaded topic. What a spectrum of emotions.

What about if you aren’t so sure anymore… if you are a mother first or a carer first? The lines can get blurry I know…

We can forget that other mums are not spending hours scanning in Seizure Management Plans (yes that was 1.5 hours of my afternoon today) and emailing school nurses, chatting to the Behaviour Practitioner while walking the dog at the beach, supporting my son through a seizure at his little brothers basketball training and changing soiled bedding after a 6am bath. Yes this was a small part of my ‘standard operating procedure’ Friday.

Wait… what? Other mums don’t need to do all these things on the daily?
oh yeah.. I’m not only a mum;

I’m also a carer.

I intensely dislike the word carer. It summons up this vision of a medicalised Mrs Doubtfire wearing a frumpy smock. Search the word ‘carer’ online and a litany of cliche’d images will show a gallery of women bestowing their most dutiful smiles down upon some stereotypical ‘helpless’ human. This is so one dimensional it literally erases the work that you and I do every day.

It actually turns my stomach that this is how society view the carer role. There are numerous individuals in the world who require substantial support who do not have grey hair. I don’t wear scrubs when I spoon feed my child. How about you?

Notice how the carer in these images is always female (I dare you to Google it yourself and see) because society automatically casts women into these roles while also placing minimal value both on caregiving roles in general, and on the unpaid labour of women.

So let’s be real (I beg of you) as our children grow the difference between motherhood and our caring role becomes more and more pronounced, invading insidiously into our mothering journey until we spend so much of our time ‘caring’ it leaves very little time for mothering.

Where do we differentiate between motherhood and being a carer? Do we even bother? Should we? (who has the time to ponder these topics #amiright?) and why?

Well, this stuff matters…

because while we fulfil dual role of motherhood and being a carer, we still face the usual societal pressures of also being a career women, having a thriving social life, getting to the dentist once every five years, and keeping up with the gym and the botox.

Yet as carers, we are;

less likely to be employed in a full-time capacity
less likely to work in less flexible industries or occupations
more likely to experience discrimination in the workplace
less likely to have professional development opportunities
more likely to reduce our working hours
more likely to take leave
more likely to change their job or stop work altogether*

I know you have personal experience with at least one of the above and probably most of the above.

Hands up if you’ve ever felt like a failure or a shit mum because you spend so much time at speech pathology appointments or dealing with paperwork that you can’t volunteer to coach the netball team or help out with school excursions!

It’s quite fascinating that we believe should also be making a significant contribution to the family bank account, staying a perfect size 10, raising chickens (hello it’s 2024 only free range eggs are acceptable) and volunteering for the P&C Association when we are also the ones who spend more of our time on household labour, raising children and caring for sick, disabled or elderly family members.

Did you know that in 1966, 30% of women were in paid employment. I know ‘times have changed’ but they haven’t changed that much because #newsflash - there is still only 24 hours in every day.

Don’t get me started on the Mothers Day Stall at school.

(Okay too late - I started).

I find it ironic to the point of comical that so many schools use the Mothers Day Stall as a fundraiser. Because which one is it? Are we showing appreciation for mums or are we raising funds for the school? Can it be both?

No it can’t and I’ll let you why. Who is running the Mothers Day Stall?

Mothers thats who.

We literally use the unpaid labour of women to raise funds for the school under the guise of “honouring women”.

Just no.

Its a fine line between motherhood and martyrdom.

I have spoken to mothers throughout the years who hesitatingly describe themselves as living in an abusive relationship with their disabled child.

We can consider abuse to be verbal, physical, emotional, psychological…. Financial abuse and coercion is now being more widely recognised. But the world doesn’t want to hear about the forms of abuse (even unintentional) that parents and carers of disabled children live with.

Some children need to speak to their mum constantly throughout the day. And if mum doesn’t reply each and every time, this triggers a meltdown.

Some children need to be right next to their mum every waking moment. Oh sorry did I say every waking moment? I meant to say even when asleep. Imagine not having as much as five minutes of alone time for weeks and months on end.

There are mothers experience chronic broken sleep derivation over years and years.

Mothers who bear the physical brunt of their children’s emotional dysregulation.

Mothers who are required to listen to hours and hours of piercingly loud vocal stimming day after day after day.

Walking on eggshells to avoid meltdowns, to ensure the foods don’t touch on the plate, to not say words that trigger our kids, to smooth the path in front of them day after day so that the entire family doesn’t suffer the consequences.

We might not say this is domestic abuse but it is certainly something.

Something that doesn’t have a word.

It doesn’t have a pink ribbon to raise awareness.

I have never seen an ad at the bustop telling women what steps to take when their abuser is their own child.

There is no language for women to use, to seek support.

So yeah.. while we all signed up for Motherhood…

The difference between other relationships, and our motherhood journey is that for the most part, we can’t and don’t walk away.

And so,

I want to say to the mums, who feel guilty or ashamed or ‘the only one’ because there are no words to describe what you are experiencing.

I believe you.

When you are injured unintentionally by your child - your tears are valid.

When you are injured intentionally due to your child’s overwhelm - your heartache is valid.

When you find Mothers Day triggering or demoralising - your distress is valid.

Even when your child is manipulating or coercing you because of their disability - your experience is real.

Everyone is entitled to feel safe in their home.

And you have the right to set limits about what is possible for you in your caring role. You will always be a mother. The doesn’t mean you will always be a carer.

And these are not easy conversations to have.

According to UNICEF, disabled children are four times more likely to experience abuse. This is a significant issue that needs to come to the forefront of advocacy work.

And.

Where are the statistics around mothers who are held captive to their child’s support needs?

Because without the data how are these women supported?

I am not saying that domestic abuse is the same as the emotional, physical and other forms of abuse that many parents of disabled children experience. There are so many shades of grey here.

But I am saying we need to start talking about this more, bring it out into the light, raise awareness, reduce the taboo - simply so that these mothers can be better supported to care for their children. And so that they don’t feel like they are failing their children. Or that they are to blame for poor parenting, or should be ‘coping’ better.

So as Mothers Day approaches, please know.

If you don’t feel like celebrating your motherhood journey at this particular time - I hear you.

If you feel more like a carer than a mother - I see you.

And,